(Theme music plays, continuing under voices)
Rebecca:
Welcome to Me/Us/U, a student produced podcast at Susquehanna University. I’m Rebecca Wood.
Olivia:
And I’m Olivia Neumyer. And this is Connections We Make, Connections We Break, where we talk about relationships in college and how they change. First, we talk about how our relationships at home have changed since starting college at Susquehanna University.
Rebecca:
Later, I’m going to talk with my friend group from freshman year, so stay tuned to hear how we managed to survive freshman year.
Olivia:
And make sure to listen to the end, because I’ll be talking about life as a transfer student, and how that could affect forming new connections.
(Music plays until it fades out)
Olivia:
We’re in college…
Rebecca:
And we live on campus, which means we have relationships both on campus and at home, so we’re going to talk about what that’s like for us.
Olivia:
Alright, so parents first, how, how did that work for you? Like, what was? What was the relationship with your parents before and after you got here?
Rebecca:
It’s definitely different now. Before, like they were just my parents and I saw them every day. I asked them to do stuff, but then I go here and I just do stuff. I think the biggest change is like, I think our relationship with each other is just more mature than it used to be, like, I don’t know. I don’t feel as much like a kid. When I’m talking to them.
Olivia:
Yeah. So, my parents both retired before I came to school. They retired the same year that I graduated high school. But I did two years at Community College, and those were online courses, so I was still home, and they were home. And so honestly, before I got here, I was getting kind of sick of my parents to a degree like it’s one thing when you grow up and like your parents are going to work and you’re going to school and or like your parents are going to work and you’re going to work or whatever and you don’t have to be around them like 24/7. And I still had a job that I was going to on a pretty regular basis and people that I was going out with, but um, they were just constantly home and so it kind of felt like I was stuck in my bedroom.
Rebecca:
Yeah
Olivia:
Whenever I wanted to, like, have my own space. And here I’m able to have my space, but I think both me and my parents are realizing that, like we kind of took advantage of some of that time that we had because when I got to campus, my father and I’s average phone call is probably like 2 minutes.
Rebecca:
Mm-hmm.
Olivia:
It’s just like we call because we have a reason to call. We get that reason taken care of. We hang up. That’s it.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
I, I got here, and that man calls me out of the blue just to check in, see how I’m doing, um ask if I need anything. He randomly sent me gas money. And he ended the phone call with an I love you. And it was like a 40-minute phone call. And I was like, this is not normal for me and my dad, like, this is not the relationship that we had before this. And I think my mom, she’s really trying not to be, like, smotherly.
Rebecca:
Mm-hmm. That’s a fun word.
Olivia:
She… She’s really, she. She wants to be so much more involved than she is. So, every time she and I talk, she just, like, wants the update on everything.
Rebecca:
Yeah, yeah, I have a similar thing with my dad. Before I went to college and he’s like, no, ‘I don’t miss people till they’re dead.’ And he loves saying that. And then the first time I went home, and he gave me a hug and was like, you know what? I really did miss you. And I was just like, I knew it. I knew it! And I started running around the house yelling. Another thing is, like, I think it’s easy for people to not feel.
Supported by their parents as much because they’re so far away, but my parents do a really good job of maintaining that. Like last weekend I lost my wallet with my license in it and my mom was like I ordered you a new license, like you’re fine. And I was freaking out and I was like, OK, suddenly I have no problems anymore. There was another day where I was just, like, really freaking out about something. And my dad drove 2 1/2 hours to, like, come see me to make me feel better. So, it’s like even though he obviously he can’t do that every time I’m freaking out about something. It was so good to be like, OK, I’m not that far that my parents can’t still, like, do something…
Olivia:
Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
Rebecca:
If I need them.
Olivia:
Absolutely. That’s one thing that I know is like, I sometimes have car issues. And I don’t really know how to take care of them by myself all the time, so knowing that like if my car broke down on the side of the road, I would be able to call my dad, and he would drive the hour to like figure out what’s going on with my car. And I don’t know, it’s just so nice to know that, like, you’re, you’re far enough away for your independence, but you’re not too far to like. Not be able to be like hi..
Rebecca:
To have to be independent.
Olivia:
Yeah, it’s like I know I’m an adult, but sometimes I still need you. And then, like my brother. This is what kind of shocked the hell out of me, I’m not even gonna lie. I got to school, and I get a random text from my brother, like, a few weeks into being on campus and he’s like, what’s your shoe size?
Rebecca:
Ohh?
Olivia:
I was like, that’s a really random question. So, I told him, and I was like, why? And he, I can’t remember if he blew it off or if he said that mom needed it for something, but. I forgot about it for a while, like I didn’t really think about it. And then I went home at one point, I think it was like fall break or something and he was like. Go upstairs into mom and dad’s room and, like, turn your back to the door and shut your eyes.
Rebecca:
Ohh. Absolutely not.
(Both laugh)
Olivia:
I’m like I don’t. I don’t know how I feel about that request, and it was like upstairs in my parents room cause my mom had already gone to bed and like he wanted her to see it or something and I like, go in and I have my back to the door and I’m just like, I don’t know what the heck’s going on. And he walks in behind me and he’s like, OK, turn around and I turn around and he hands me this. And it’s. Shark shower shoes.
(Both laugh) Rebecca:
That’s so funny. Wait, I want those
Olivia:
It was so random. It was so random because I was just like what? Like I don’t know where that came from. Like, I really don’t know why he chose to get those, but it was just. It was just really sweet.
Rebecca:
I need a link to those.
Olivia:
Like he saw this random thing on Instagram.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
And he was like ohh shower shoes that are funny. Let’s get these for my little sister that like, I barely pay attention to any other time in her life. And he’ll hug me more often, too,
Rebecca:
Mm-hmm.
Olivia:
Which is a big thing. Like my brother is the like don’t touch me unless you have to touch me kind of person with most people.
Rebecca:
Mm-hmm.
Olivia:
So, like, if I come home like, he’ll give me a hug or he’ll give me, like, a really quick hug. The last time that he knows he’s gonna see me before I leave again.
Rebecca:
Last time I went home my my siblings and I, we all went to get Friday the 13th tattoos together and that was my first time getting a tattoo over the age of 18 cause I got mine when I was younger so that was my first time going without my parents to get a tattoo so that was cool that was like with them still. And then another day we went on a drive because it was like, you know, we’re like, it’s October let’s listen to spooky music. So we did, and we went to drive and we haven’t hung out like all three of us together, like, gone on a drive we used to do that all the time when my sister first turned 17, and now she’s 25 and we haven’t done that since, like, I guess probably since I got my license. And that was only it was three years ago. I don’t know. It was nice to do something that we used to do again.
Olivia:
Again, yeah, it kind of makes you think about the fact that you almost take advantage of the time that you get to spend with your family because then, like, you grow up, you become an adult, you move out. And suddenly it’s like, oh, you’re not there, the second I turn around, which is both a blessing and a curse.
Rebecca:
When I started college, I had two dogs. I had one dog named Ghostie Girl, and we had her since I was four. And then we got our second dog, Clancy, when I was in 6th grade. So, it was weird to leave both of them and then freshman year, the summer of that, she did die. So, it was weird, missing a lot of the last year of her life, like kind of got me a lot because like, I knew it was coming because we all knew she was turning 16 that year that summer we were like…
Olivia:
Ohh dang…
Rebecca:
She’s an old lady.
Olivia:
She got up there.
Rebecca:
She did. So, I definitely missed that a lot, and like because I, we had her since I was so young, I don’t remember before having her even going to college. I was like I I don’t hear her like, pitter patter of her like nails. And then when I come home normally, she really only cares about my mom. But I would come home, and she would actually, like, get excited. And she’s older so she doesn’t get as excited about things. But I would come home, and she would like actually come over with Clancy, who gets excited about everything. (Olivia chuckles) And I was like you love me, I knew it!
Olivia:
So, my dogs, I have the same dogs now that I did when I transferred in. The one that we have right now is Archer. And Archer is 14 and almost 10 months. Every time I go home I I make sure that I love on Archer really well because he doesn’t get as much attention as the other two, since they’re younger, so he gets overlooked a lot. So, I try to make sure that I love on him a lot. And then every time I leave, I tell him that he’s not allowed to go if I’m not home.
Rebecca:
I used to do the same thing to Ghostie see I was like you are not allowed to die if I’m at school, I need to be home and she… you know what? She listened. She’s a good girl.
Olivia:
Mm-hmm. She is.
Rebecca:
We had to put her down and like I was in the room, hated it. But I’m glad that I was able to because I was so scared when I was looking at colleges, I was like what if Ghostie goes and I’m at school?
Olivia:
Mmm-hmm
Rebecca:
And I was like, I need to be able to get home.
Olivia:
Back in the spring, my grandfather was on a decline for a very, very long time before he passed and my mother does not know how to work social media or the fact that I check social media, I guess like didn’t occur to her. Yeah, my grandfather had a stroke.
Rebecca:
And that’s how you found out
Olivia:
And my family decided not to tell me until after my classes were over for the day. So, they texted me and were like, when are your classes over for the day? Now, I had a night class that day. So, I told them that my classes weren’t over till 8:00 PM. But then part way through my day I’m scrolling through like Facebook, and I see a thing about my grandfather having had a stroke and my mom asking for prayer and I call her and I’m like,
Rebecca: Hello?
Olivia:
Why am I getting this information on Facebook? Like, why did nobody tell me this?
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
And so, I was able to get out of my night class that night and my dad picked me up instead of me driving myself. So, he picked me up and took me to the hospital. And all of my cousins were there, like everybody on that side of the family came, and it was something that we are all so incredibly grateful for because we all got to say goodbye. Because then that Thursday he was gone. And then we all had that ability to say goodbye. And then I got a call from my mom because I told her flat out. I was like the second something happens; you need to tell me. Like, if it’s that important, you need to tell me. So.
Rebecca:
Yeah. Especially if you’re gonna post about it. Olivia:
Yeah, obviously. But like so I was in class on Thursday morning. And I looked down and I see that I had a missed call from my mom. So, I stepped out and I called her back because I knew exactly what it was going to be.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
And I had my little moment in the hallway, and then I went back into class. But like, again, it was just if I had missed the opportunity to say goodbye because of the fact that my family was trying to, like, spare me, I would have been so upset.
Rebecca:
And it’s not like they’re doing it out of a bad way. Like they don’t know what to do. You know what I mean? I feel like until you communicate with them like you just need to tell me like, because I feel like it’s different for different people, like other people wouldn’t be able to go on with the rest of the day if they got that news. The same thing for me. I would need to, I would need to know and then I could go on with my day.
Olivia:
Yeah, so that’s definitely a way that, like, relationships can change with your family. Is that like, when do we communicate certain information? What information is important enough to communicate when? Is huge.
Rebecca:
So, do you want to talk about friendships from home and how they’ve changed?
I think my biggest thing is the year I graduated, I had a… a lot of my friend group they were in the year below me. So, the people I was friends with who graduated with me, they were both, they were going to another college too, so it was easier for us to like understand. You’re going to be at this school, I’m gonna be at this school. We’re both going to different environments, but for the year below us, my friends, the year below us it’s like suddenly a bunch of their friends are gone but they’re still in the same environment. So, I think that kind of changed how it was a lot. Because they were still there building their friendship together and then when me and my friend Marisa would come back from school like we would join our other two. And it was just like, slightly different, because obviously they had time to get closer, the two that were still in high school, while we were out building other friendships.
Olivia:
Mmm-hmm. I can’t really say that I had a friend group at home because I wasn’t very close to a lot of the people that I went to school with growing up, and then high school, I was online schooled. I did theater for a really long time and that’s how I got a lot of my friends, but a lot of them were so much older than me. Like already, adults already had jobs already living their lives. There were just like a specific couple of, like, key friendships.
Rebecca:
Yeah
Olivia:
And my best friend in the entire universe was already at school…
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
…for two years before I transferred and moved here. And she was 4 hours away. That was definitely more of an adjustment of, like, she was the one leaving, and I was the one that was being left behind. And then I had my boyfriend at the time. And his friends. And like his family, which I saw multiple times a week.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
And then I had a couple other really good friends that I would see on a much more like sporadic basis. So, when I came here, I think the one thing that kind of surprised me was that certain people were really unwilling to come here to visit.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
Like they were unwilling to make the time to get here but they expected me to always make the time to go back because they’re like, oh, you’re only an hour away like you can come down on weekends and it’s like, so you can’t come here on weekends? Like, I still have homework.
Rebecca:
Yeah. And you also might have like a club that you’re a part of that has an event that you have to go to.
Olivia:
Yeah, I had a friendship that just recently got really messed up, and I I want to fix it. It’s it’s definitely a friendship that I want repaired.
Rebecca:
Yeah
Olivia:
But it got really messed up because she is one of those like adults, like, has a life, has a lot going on. And I get that. And I respect that. But there were a lot of times when it was expected that I was just gonna fit myself into her schedule. And she would expect me… She lives an hour from me in the opposite direction of here. So it’s a 2 hour drive from here, and it’s an hour drive at home. And I don’t have income, but so she would expect me to make the drive to go to her all the time, so we’ll revisit that at some point. But like my best friend, she’s taking a year off school now. So she’s the one who’s home and working, and I’m the one who’s away. But since I’m only an hour like she’s been up here a couple of times, I’ve been home a lot more often this semester than I expected to. And so I’ve been enjoying, like, actually being able to have those experiences. And now that we’re 21, and we’re old enough to actually go out and do things instead of just like ohh you wanna hang out? Let’s just like go walk around the mall. Adult friendships are fun because you have more capability of doing things, but they’re also difficult because scheduling is such a problem.
Rebecca:
See, for me, I think that managing friendships at home didn’t feel as hard for me, because after my sophomore year of high school, my best friend from elementary school ended up moving to Chile with her family. So I was already used to like managing this friendship that was even longer distance than my friends from home. Like I did not see her until the summer before going to college, when she was finally able to visit after COVID. And we’re like, she’s still my best friend. I haven’t. I haven’t seen her since then. I haven’t seen her in… 2-2 years since then. But we’re like, she’s still a person that I see as my best friend. I mean, I have, you know, several people, but, I think that’s part of the reason that I felt like it was easier for me.
Olivia:
Yeah.
Rebecca:
Not necessarily easy, but easier than for other people.
Olivia:
Yeah, I think just communication is so key with those kinds, with any relationship, but especially like longer distance relationships, and cause I’m a very extroverted person, I like being able to be in person with people. So, for me, like, I love phone calls. I know a lot of people hate phone calls. But I love phone calls cause…
Rebecca:
I like them with certain people.
Olivia:
I, I just, I like them better than texting because they feel more personal than texting. So, like, if we’re gonna have a legitimate conversation, let’s call on the phone instead of just texting back and forth.
Rebecca:
Yeah. And that’s also a big problem with, like, miscommunication. My ex and I, we had a big problem with that, cause I went to this school, he went to a school 2 1/2 hours away. And we would get in these arguments that were, like, so stupid, literally just because we were misreading each other’s tone in text messages. And then, like, we either wouldn’t be able to call because, like, one of our roommates were sleeping or something, or cause, like, we just were doing something. And it was just, like, so stupid. It was like if we could just hear each other’s tones, this wouldn’t be happening.
Olivia:
Honestly, my ex and I um I told him flat out at like the beginning of our relationship that I was perfectly fine with the idea of um being kind of dependent on somebody else in making big decisions if you’re expecting to like be in that relationship for a really long time. But the one thing that I was not going to compromise on was where I went for my undergrad. I, I made that very clear. I was like my undergrad is going to be extremely important for where I go in the rest of my life, so I’m not compromising that. The initial place that I was looking at going to was five hours away, but when I chose here, I was like, OK, it’s only an hour from me. It’s like an hour and a half, two hours from him. Like, that’s a good distance.
Rebecca:
Yeah, that’s not bad.
Olivia:
It’s not. It’s not a bad distance whatsoever, but he was also in the middle of nursing school. And so like, I guess the stress of everything on top of each other, and the fact that he didn’t feel like we were communicating the way that we should have been or didn’t get to see each other as often because he was also a very much like physical touch is important kind of person which a lot of guys are.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Olivia:
So, it’s like when you when you can’t be, like around to give that physical touch even just like reassuring touch and like, like during those arguments and things like that. Like it got to be a lot. And I don’t think he, I don’t think he has the ability to handle a long-distance relationship.
Rebecca:
Yeah…
Olivia:
And that’s fine like…
Rebecca:
Yeah. And it’s not just they’re easy, but it’s also not like some people managed to do it from different countries and like where they have to take a plane to get to them like like I could part of my problem was he didn’t have a car or a license so I was always the one who had to do drive up until last year in the spring semester. But so that was another addition because it would be he would be like, oh, do you want to come visit this and I’m like I like. I can’t. I don’t wanna drive that far. Right now. And like like and, there’s gas money. Not that he wouldn’t have given any gas money, because, like, he like, obviously I’m not spending money on gas, I just sometimes I just don’t want to drive that long.
Olivia:
I don’t know. It was just. That was that was a relationship that broke because of the distance, but I think it was breaking before it got here anyway. Like looking back, it was definitely already like there were already cracks before I got here because the program that I’m in here is extremely specific and it’s, it’s only one of five in the country. So I was like the fact that this program that’s extremely specific to exactly what I wanna do with my life is only an hour away is a blessing.
Rebecca:
Yeah, yeah. He could have gone… Yeah, true. Olivia:
I wish him the best. He’s a good guy. He deserves, he deserves good. But he he’s not built for distance. He’s really not and, like I said, I feel like there were already cracks before. Just keep in mind that if you’ve got relationships before you get to college that are already falling apart.
Rebecca:
They’re probably not going to…
Olivia:
That’s not a bad thing. Yeah, college might be the breaking point, and honestly, it’s really not a bad thing because like, again, hindsight 20-20, that relationship taught me. A lot of things. But being out of it is what’s best for both people.
Rebecca:
Same. Well, at least for me. Yeah, that’s another thing. Like, sometimes, friendships, relationships, they’re just going to end and not even even if you stay at home, they could still end just cause it’s a different phase of your life, but the distance just makes it a lot faster to go through it, I think. Like there’s a lot of people that I was friends with that I, nothing like broke. There was no big explosion. There was no fight. We just stopped talking like we just didn’t have anything to talk about anymore because we weren’t going to the same school, we weren’t seeing each other, so it was like. I don’t have anything against you. If I run into you, I’ll say hi. It’s just I, I say happy birthday to them. You know, like we say stuff on holidays. It’s just like there’s just. It’s just a new phase where we’re just not as close and it’s not a bad thing, that’s just kind of how life works, which is a big thing, you realize.
Olivia:
Yeah, and it can suck. Yeah, it can suck sometimes. That those relationships have to end to like continue in the role like in the walk that you’re on, but everybody’s journey is gonna be made-up of these connections that…
Rebecca:
And sometimes you find your way back to the same people.
Olivia:
Exactly, especially with social media like you keep people in your life. Do you feel like you’re missing out on things at home?
Rebecca:
I do, but I sometimes equally feel like people at home are missing out on things here to sort of the same degree. Like I just missed my aunts 60th birthday party and like all my cousins posted a picture, cousins picture. And I’m like, oh, I’m not in it. But it was OK because I was like it was the week after fall break and I was like, I can’t drive back. I was like, I can’t get back here on Wednesday and then drive back again on Friday. And I’m sure it was fun, it would have been fun. I was just like, I can’t. I don’t got that kind of money.
Olivia:
Yeah, but. The only reason I’ve been going home as much as I have been is because my mom is be, like I’ll pay for your gas every now and again. Like or my friends are like because I’m the one who’s dragging you here. Like I won’t pay for your gas, but I’ll buy your drinks when we go out kind of thing. Yeah.
Cause I’ve gone home. All but one weekend so far this month, and like I’m going home again after we finish this, yeah.
Rebecca:
Yeah, but I do. I definitely feel like I miss out on things like when my siblings like post stuff on their stories and it’s like our just our family, like, just being how we are at home. I’m like, oh, but then at the same time, it’s like I post fun videos, like with my friends or with clubs that I’m in or whatever. And I’m like, I mean, it’s not like they’re here for this either. Like, I’m making my own memories. It just happens to be separate from them and then like, my friends sometimes like a bunch of my friends, will be home at the same time and like they’ll hang out. But I’m still here and I’m like, oh, but I’m like, but I’m here with my friends from here, so it’s like the same thing. And I think I worked that out in my brain like, yeah, I’m missing out on things, but so are other people. Like, I’m still doing stuff, just cause I’m missing this one thing doesn’t mean I should not continue to do what I’m doing here you know. So I feel like I worked that out to make me feel better about it. And like I, I feel OK, like it’s just how it is.
Olivia:
Yeah. I think the main thing that I feel like I’m currently missing out on at home is there was the little boy that I babysat all summer. And he’s so cute, but he’s still like baby baby. So he’s in his real fast growing stage. And so I like, I spent so much time with him all summer long. And I leave to come to school. And now my mom is the one watching him, and she gets him one extra day a week, then like what I had him for.
Rebecca:
That’s ridiculous. You should sue.
Olivia:
And so, she has him three days a week instead of two days a week, and the entire time she has him, she’s sending me photos and it’s like it’s partially because I asked for the photos, but I also have to, like, watch as he grows. And I’m not there to see him. So like, when I went home for fall break and I did get to spend two of my days of fall break with this baby like he was already so big. Like he’s so much bigger than he was when I left. And it’s just like, stop growing like…
Rebecca:
Yeah. Wait for me.
Olivia:
And it’s one of those things where it’s like, oh, it’s not, it’s not even a member of your family. And it’s like, well, like, he’s still a kid that I care about. I love babies. So, like this child, it might not be a member of my family, but I’m attached to this child.
Rebecca:
Yeah. Well, it’s the same way we like form attachments like with our friends. Like, they’re not part of our family, but like we spend so much time with them that we’re attached now. Codependent, if you’re me and my friends.
Olivia:
It’s like I spent 16 hours with this child, like 16 hours a week with this child for months. Like, of course I’m going to be attached to him. So that’s one thing that I think is huge for me with feeling like I’m missing out is like I don’t get to see these little things that he does in person. Like, I just have to see it through photos and videos that my mom sends me, and I just I miss his pudgy little face and his soft, his soft hands. He’s so cute. Does it bother you that your families are missing out on events that you have here?
Rebecca:
I didn’t think about this until my family was here for family weekend and they were at like an event for WQSU that I was like doing stuff for. I was like ohh like it just made me like remember when they would come to like my concerts in high school, middle school, and elementary school. That was a word. So, it doesn’t bother me because it’s not like they wouldn’t. It’s just like they can’t. And I obviously like, I wish they could see me doing things, but I know that like every, ‘cause I run the, the WQSU like social media, I get notifications every time my mom like likes a Facebook post and I’m like, oh, she like, she still knows. So, because I’m not in like choir or anything or like I don’t do sports, I think that would bother me more. Like I think it would upset me more, but since I don’t and it’s a lot like online stuff anyway, I can still see like she’s still liking the stuff that I’m posting. She’s still seeing what I’m doing. And like my other family too, which just I always see her, the notification from her.
Olivia:
Yeah, my mom follows me on Snapchat, and that’s like, the only thing. Like she follows me on everything. But she follows me on Snapchat, which is the only thing that I actually like post on regularly. So, she gets to see a lot of the updates. I do have stories on my Snapchat that she is not on.
Rebecca:
No, I understand.
Olivia:
But most of my stuff goes on my main anyway, so she sees all of that and I’ll text them like updates for things I don’t really have any events that I’m like hosting at this point on campus that they’d be able to come to but when my when my mom was here for family weekend, she was the only one who came.
And like we went to the football game and that kind of thing. And it’s one of those where it’s like I kind of wish I could experience this with more than just my mom. Like I really enjoyed being able to do that with my mom but like.
Rebecca:
It’s like letting them into your world a little bit.
Olivia:
Yeah, it would be nice to let, like cause my brother hasn’t visited me on campus.
Rebecca:
Tell him to get on that.
Olivia:
Well, he’s been to the campus before, so he just, like, doesn’t feel, because he apparently visited. Here at one point. So, he was like, I don’t need to see campus.
Rebecca:
But what about me?
Olivia:
And I was like, I get that you don’t need to see campus, but you also get to see like, me and my life on campus. And that’s different than just seeing campus. But he also he works third shift. So he’s sleeping during the day most of the time.
Rebecca:
Tell him too bad.
Olivia:
So, yeah. Well, I’ll see him this weekend for the Renaissance fair, but it’s still not the same as him like coming here and experiencing college because he never got to experience college, so it was just like, come eat crappy dining hall food with me and, like, go to a football game or something. Like, come on.
(Theme music plays, continuing behind introduction)
Rebecca:
Many friend groups that are formed during freshman year end in disaster. I was lucky enough to find a friend group during freshman year that’s lasted all the way to junior year and hopefully it’ll last way past college.
(Theme music picks up before fading out)
Ella:
I’m Ella Collura. I have a major in Broadcasting and a major in Studio Art with a Photography concentration.
Abby:
I’m Abigail Lentini. I am a Communications Broadcasting major with minors in Women and Gender Studies and Music Technology.
Emily:
My name is Emily Rose and I am a Journalism and Digital Content major with a minor in Marketing. Rebecca:
The first question is, did you ever worry about our friendship ending or not surviving freshman year because of, you know, the whole stereotype that all freshman year friendships, friend groups break up?
Emily:
Yes, every day.
Rebecca:
Oh, still?
Emily: Yes
Rebecca: Emily!
Ella:
I think yes but only because there is a stereotype. Like I didn’t really have a reason to think that about our friend group. But I just think ‘cause it happens a lot
Abby:
Mhm. Um, I think no. I was very like freshman year, I was like certain, and I was like, because I had gone through a lot in my own personal life, like with my own friend groups freshman year. I was like, no, I think this group is gonna, I think we’re gonna be OK so.
Rebecca:
Yeah, I had the same thing where like I had another friend group in the beginning of the semester of the first semester, and then when I found these three, I kind of just knew that we all meshed together very well. But yeah, I kind of just felt like we’re all pretty good about communicating with each other so I wasn’t super concerned.
Ella:
To be honest, I don’t think I actually thought about it that much though.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Emily:
I mean, in my heart of hearts, I was like, I found friends for life, but in my brain of hearts, I thought, oh, they’re all going to forget about me over the summer.
Rebecca:
Oh Emily.
Emily:
But now we’re here so everything’s fine.
Rebecca:
Why do you think our friendship was able to survive past freshman year while so many others end in disaster and bunch of drama?
Abby:
Because you and I were kind of friends before we became friends with Ella and Emily, and we both went through very similar things with the same friend group and then I went through with a different friend group as well. So, um. I just think that not we were not trauma bonded because it’s such a strong phrase, but I think it’s the closest phrase that I can associate it with us cause like we went through the same thing, and we were like and we’re very like very similar. So, so that it was like at least, you know, if I don’t have anyone else, I have someone.
Emily:
Because I became codependent on all of you, because I love you! Um but in all sincerity, I think it was because… I don’t know!
(Laughter)
Emily:
I don’t know. We kind of just we kind of just are.
Ella:
I think we all have, like, a mutual appreciation for boundaries and respect and also honesty, like I think we can all tell each other anything and it can be like completely like brutally honest and it wouldn’t like cut us so deep that we would be like, mmmm we’re not friends anymore.
All speakers:
Yeah
Rebecca:
We’re all just are similar in all the right ways and different in all the right ways too. We just fit together very well.
Abby:
Yeah, a doubt I had is that we’re all comm majors. Is it gonna overlap? Are we gonna, like, end up hating each other, like getting sick of each other? And I think that it’s like actually like solidified a friendship rather than like driven us apart because then we can work together and we all have similar knowledge on the same things and it’s like I, I find beauty in that. I haven’t had friends like that. So, it’s, it’s cool like that we all have the same like ideas of what we want to do for our careers. Yet they’re vastly different.
Ella:
But like that’s what I was saying about boundaries like because we all are like pretty much like in the same major taking the same classes. So you would think that we would get sick of each other, but I think like, we all like understand, like when we need space.
Emily:
Yeah
Abby:
Yeah very much so
Emily:
I, I don’t know. I’ve never had friends like my friendships with you guys before. Like I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if I mean spring semester our freshman year we like we went through some stuff and I think that really crossed over our friendship, this is going to be cheesy into like sisterhood. I know that I’m older than you, Ella and I’m older than you Becky, but you guys are like all the older sisters that I’ve never had. Because you guys like you keep me grounded and I also, I would trust any of you to give me an honest opinion or give me honest advice without making me feel stupid.
Abby:
Especially you, Becky.
Rebecca:
The next question isn’t specific to us, it’s just as people who all went through this, the experience that is college, just your opinion. Why do you think that so many freshmen friend groups break up?
Abby:
So, I think it’s because, you’re in a very, you’re like in a brand new environment and you’re, you’re just like trying to handle yourself away from a system that has supported you your whole life. So, people, it’s a learning experience and then, but you need those friends, I feel like it’s important to have a friend group that breaks up like freshman year. Not saying that, you know, there’s, like I said, there’s beauty in us being friends since freshman year. But um it came later on in the freshman year. You know,
Rebecca:
The freshman year? (Laughter)
Emily:
The…
Rebecca:
I don’t know why I said that.
Abby :
But I don’t know if this makes sense, but it’s like, like some they break up because those friends are stepping stones for you to find yourself. I think it’s important for, for people to find themselves before they find other people and all of us did that I feel like. And our last like big kind of blowout with someone I don’t know if you wanna keep that in with a certain someone like brought us together because that person didn’t like that we were our own individual because we had found ourselves throughout freshman year. If that, that pertains to us specifically, but as a whole, I think um it’s because you’re trying to find yourself and you’re going to find other people that will help you get there, not necessarily people that are going to stay with you.
Rebecca:
Yeah. I to me, I think, the big thing is you’re finding like you’re on your own for the first time and you think you’re a lot more mature than you definitely are. And then you’re becoming friends with people and spending every waking minute with them. Especially if it’s like not my, my experience, but like if your first friend is your roommate and you hang out together all the time and you don’t.
Emily: Hi, Ella.
(Laughter)
Rebecca:
And you don’t expand your friend group as well, and you don’t find friends separately, you’re bound to get sick of each other. I think another reason back to the previous question of why we stayed as a friend very easily is we, we also have our own individual friends, which I think helps it.
Emily:
Yeah, yeah.
Rebecca:
That’s all I had.
Ella:
I, I was going to say something similar. I think it’s like maturity and also being away from home. Like you don’t know how you’re going to act when you’re away from home because like, I feel like sometimes you’re a completely different person, like at home around your family than you are when you’re out of your house.
Emily:
I feel like sometimes and I feel like this has to do with Abby’s point as well. Sometimes people come into their freshman year, and they find friends and they think, OK, these are the only friends that I am going to be able to make in my entire college career. This is it. I did it. I don’t have to do it again and that’s not necessarily true, because again, building off of everyone else’s points as you learn each other’s lifestyle choices and you get to know these people more and more, you realize, I don’t necessarily need to only be with these people, I can, I can go past that and these are not the only friends that I’m going to find.
This isn’t the end all be all. That they’re, even though we go to a small school, there are so many more people to connect yourself with.
Rebecca:
Yeah. Do you think that living together last year and this year has changed our relationship? And if you do, then how do you think, how have you noticed it changing our relationship with each other?
Ella:
Yeah, like I said before, with the space and boundaries. I think that like living together has helped us figure out each other’s like… what is like preference for space and like time by yourself and also boundaries. Like using each other’s stuff like most of us are cool with each other borrowing things but it was a learning process at first, you know, figuring that out.
Abby:
I have to say, last year was really hard,
Ella:
Yeah.
Rebecca:
Part of that is we had the depression rooms we.
Abby:
Yeah. We had no windows,
Emily:
Because they hate us.
Rebecca:
Yeah, we’re going through it.
Abby:
So it also like the four of us were handling individual battles, so there were times where it was, it was very tense. It had to do with the space,
Ella:
Yeah
Abby:
Because it was so tiny compared to our freshman year dorm.
Emily:
I think those rooms should be illegal, in my opinion.
Abby:
Yeah
Ella:
I could never go back. Yeah.
Emily:
No.
Abby:
And we were always on top of one another like…and I know the four of us pride ourselves on alone time, yeah.
Emily:
Yeah
Rebecca:
I know there were times where we were all like tense with each other, but I think I think we got each other through it at the same time.
Abby:
Yeah.
Ella:
Yeah, I would agree Abby:
Because, like I loved living with you Becky, you’re silly, but like it was just the environment.
Rebecca:
Yeah
Abby:
And I love living with you like the rest of you guys. Like, I like I, but it was the environment, the place we live in now is just so much better. Like, you know, Becky and Ella roommates, and they have a big double and it’s, I feel like it’s worked out for you guys great.
Ella:
Yeah.
Emily:
And you have a nice floor that I can lay on.
Abby:
Yeah. We have an open floor for us to have enrichment time in your room.
Emily:
See basically, at the end of the day, we’re all very silly individuals and we all think that we can handle our shit on our own. And we learned that, it’s OK, like we don’t have to suffer in silence, but at the same time…like it’s not a big deal if we have to run away.
Abby:
And ask for help.
Rebecca:
We’re getting on to the future a little bit and I know Emily is stressed, but it’s OK
Emily:
I can’t think about this.
Rebecca:
You’re going to have to. There’s, there’s three questions. Ella:
I wouldn’t like to think about this either.
Rebecca:
Do you have any fears over whether or not we will remain friends after we all have graduated from here?
Abby:
Do I have any worry? A little bit.
Ella:
Not like worry. Like I think we will be friends after college, but I think if we’re not, it’s not going to be a huge breakup. I think it’ll just be…
Rebecca:
Gradual.
Ella:
Yeah, but I think we will remain friends.
Emily:
I’m never ever going to consciously stop being friends with you guys.
All:
Yeah.
Emily:
Like you guys are coming to my wedding whether you like it or not.
Rebecca:
I would like to consciously remain friends. I truly think that the four of us were meant to be friends with each other.
All:
Aww (Laughter)
Rebecca:
Cause like I just, there’s just no way that we fit so well together, and we all came here… for some reason
(Laughter)
Ella:
You know I’m not sure why but…
Rebecca:
And we’re not meant to be like friends.
Emily:
Exactly like why else would they put me and Becky in the same O-team group? And why else would they make me and Ella roommates? And why else would they put me and Abby in Intro to Journalism with Gary Heller?
Rebecca:
I think for me, I don’t think that we’re ever going to not be friends. I just think that one day we’re going to suddenly realize that we’re not as close as we are right now and that’s going to be.
Emily:
Yeah, perhaps I’ll shed a tear.
Rebecca:
Right? And it’s going to be like a weird feeling. So, like me looking forward to the future at feeling that feeling is weird.
Ella:
Yeah, but like my brother, he’s three or four years out of college now, and all of his college friends, and they live in different states and everything. Every year they get together and do a trip. This year, they’re going to Japan together. They’ve been doing small trips to like, um, lake houses for the past three years, and they’re going to Japan this year, so it’s possible like, It’s not like you can’t stay friends.
Abby:
We’re not going to be as close because we’re not going to be on top of one another, like living with each other unless for some reason we’re roommates out of college because, you know, jobs take us to the same place. I would love to do that if that was a thing, but. I’m not as upset of the idea if we gradually like, you know, stop being friends, but I because I have that hope that we’ll get closer, even though we’re already very close, like very close. We’ll appreciate, like, we’ll have something to look back on and appreciate like once we leave so that that’ll make you feel better. And then if we’re all like in different states or whatnot like different areas like we’ll be rooting for each other, you know? Yeah. And I find that I find that important rather than us being together all the time. Like, friendship is about a support system. Yeah. And being there for one another.
Rebecca:
Thank you guys for coming and talking about our friendship. And thank you for being such very good friends.
(Laughter)
Rebecca:
Okay everybody say bye 1,2,3.
All:
Bye! (Laughter)
Ella:
We’re so annoying.
(Theme music plays, continuing under outro)
Rebecca:
The biggest take away from my conversation with my friend group is that we were all able to maintain our friendship despite the fact that so many others struggled to with freshman year friendships because we have communicated with each other effectively, we’ve respected each other’s boundaries. And privacy as well. Remember, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you go through a friend breakup during
freshman year. I went through one as well. And it led me to this friend group that I’ve maintained through the rest of college.
(Theme music continues)
We’re going to take a short break to hear from one of our sponsors, Susquehanna University’s Counseling and Psychological Services has an important message. Students are not alone at Susquehanna. When needed, students can access mental health counseling services and resources for assistance. All counseling is confidential, and we encourage all students to reach out if they are experiencing mental health issues or if they feel they would benefit from support from a professional. Counseling and Psychological Services offers the following services: teletherapy, individual counseling, crisis services, group therapy, and more. For more information, visit susqu.edu/HealthyHawks/counseling-and-psychological-services. Therapists are on call 24 hours a day and seven days a week. To reach an on-call therapist call 570-372-4751.
(Theme music stops) You are not alone.
(Theme music starts again, playing under intro)
Olivia:
Hey y’all, it’s Olivia again, and I wanna take a bit to talk about what it’s been like for me as a transfer student regarding relationships in college.
(Theme music fades out)
As was mentioned earlier in the episode, I did two years at community college prior to coming to Susquehanna University, and those two years were entirely online. I was also entirely online for my last three years of high school, so my main socialization in those years and honestly for many years prior, came from outlets outside of school and many of my friendships were with people older than me rather than my age.
You see, something about me is that people my own age scare me. I didn’t have the greatest experiences with my peers throughout my life and only really clicked with a select few on any significant and lasting level. Very few of those from school.
It’s made me a socially anxious person. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I need to be social, because I’m an extrovert. I pull my energy from interacting with others and forming connections. But given my past experiences and my personality, I really care about how I present myself to people, so my brain likes to make me extremely self-aware of how I come across and then overanalyze my conversations for a long time after they happen. I tell people I’m a walking contradiction since I’m a socially anxious extrovert.
And as you may suspect, this made the thought of transferring to a new school in my junior year of college, moving onto campus with a bunch of strangers, and hoping to form solid connections, kinda daunting.
I am very blessed to only be an hour from home, so I can more easily stay connected to my family and my friends there, but as Becky and I spoke about at the beginning, those connections can get strained, get complicated, or even get broken due to a variety of circumstances. Goodness knows I lost an important connection when my ex and I broke up a couple months after I transferred here. But after a grieving period, I came out stronger than before. I had allowed myself to be so caught up in trying to save that connection, that I had almost been more avoidant of forming new ones. After that connection broke, I realized how closed off I had allowed myself to be.
I’m not gonna lie, I was kind of a coward during my first year on campus. I had the amazing luck of ending up in a suite with a bunch of other transfers, so I connected with three lovely ladies in particular who were in a similar boat to me. However, I didn’t branch out much beyond that.
Since I was just getting oriented into my major, I was in a number of intro classes with freshmen and had a bit of a bias against them because of the age and maturity difference that feels oh so dramatic when you desperately want to connect with people on your same level. Sidenote: it’s not always that dramatic, but please understand where I was coming from.
This meant that I had little interaction with people my own age in classes, and even going beyond my biases, it’s kinda difficult to make connections in a class when everyone just comes, learns the material, and leaves again, especially when the thought of approaching people and asking to spend time together beyond class makes you as nervous as it makes me.
Susquehanna University has a large number of clubs and sports that every student is encouraged to take advantage of, and I did try during that first year. I joined FUSE, which is the Forum for Undergraduate Student Editors, and I attended a few meetings for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.
However, I fell into a trap I think a lot of college students might fall into. I didn’t think I had the time to go to meetings for these clubs on top of my schoolwork and spending time with my small group of friends that were not involved in either of these clubs. I also didn’t feel like I was making connections in the clubs that were keeping me going to the meetings, but I think that was my own fault for getting in my head and twisting it up. I had convinced myself that none of these people cared whether I was there. The woman who heads the SU branch of InterVarsity was not going to let me get away with thinking that my presence didn’t matter, but I wasn’t prioritizing my faith the way I should have last year, so it still fell to the wayside.
Moving on to the summer between my junior and senior year, I went on my study-abroad trip to Aix-en-Provence, France. This trip gave me the opportunity to get to know some more of my peers that I may otherwise not have spoken with much, and some of those connections definitely became important to me. Something else that trip gave me was the chance to connect further to myself and my faith. Being a transfer with my social personality has taught me is that I need to be ok with being alone sometimes. I needed to learn to be comfortable with myself because connecting with others can be difficult. And once I was more okay with myself, I found that it was easier for me to put myself out there with my peers and not be so self-conscious about how I came across to them.
Then we get to this year. I made a point to put myself out there more, since it is my senior year, and I want to take advantage of the opportunities that college provides. I’m still involved with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and to a much higher degree this year. I have accepted the call to lead a multi-cultural Bible study, and the connections that I have made through InterVarsity have led to my going to a conference with a bunch of other college age Christians from central Pennsylvania and finding a church to attend in the area while I’m at school. Both InterVarsity and my church in the area have provided me with amazing connections with people closer to my age who hold the same faith basis as me and view things through that lens, which was not something I had prior. On top of this, I joined Susquehanna University College Republicans this semester, and I have been appointed the PR exec position. Joining this club was especially important to me this year, because I have been paying more attention to the world around me and wanted to connect with a group of peers that is politically aligned with me. I have made some great new friends through this club and learned a lot.
This is just my story, and very much a condensed version of it, but being a transfer student causes real worries for a lot of people. I currently live with the girls I connected with over the shared experience of being transfers during junior year, and they all relayed similar worries about what it would look like to come into a new school in a grade where most everyone else has already established their connections. One was ready to just get her degree and get out, caring only for her connections from the past. One feared she wouldn’t meet anyone who wanted to connect with her. And one still feels the disconnect of being a transfer in her particular major but has formed a few deeper connections and a solid best friendship beyond it. All of us have branched out more this year and reaped the benefits.
I’m not going to say I’m suddenly so confident in socializing and putting myself out there, but I’m certainly better at it. It still feels weird to be a transfer student, and I still think that adds some barriers, but a lot of the barriers I thought were there were in my own head or of my own creation.
barriers, but a lot of the barriers I thought were there were in my own head or of my own creation.
The moral of this story is to not be afraid to put yourself out there. Don’t let the limits of your own fears hold you back from making the amazing connections that are out there for you to make. Join a club or a sports team. Don’t spend too much time focused on the past or the future that you forget about the present. Connect with yourself and the things that matter to you, and you will find better connections with people who share your values and views. And remember it’s quality over quantity always with people. Those are the connections that thrive.
(Theme music plays and continues under conclusion)
Olivia:
Through college we all make new connections and break old ones.
Rebecca:
Though the process of relationships ending is difficult, it isn’t always a bad thing.
Olivia:
Thank you for coming on this journey of reflection and exploration into our relationships with us.
Rebecca:
Thank you for listening to Connections We Make, Connections We break on Me/Us/U.
Olivia:
This episode was hosted and produced by Olivia Neumyer and Rebecca Wood
Rebecca:
We would like to extend a special thanks to our families and friends at home, as well as the friends we’ve made here at Susquehanna University for inspiring this episode and of course to our guests, Ella Collura, Abigail Lentini, and Emily Rose.
Olivia:
Our theme music is “Night Owl” by Broke for Free. Rebecca:
Me/Us/U is licensed under Creative Commons license CC-BY-NC-ND. Visit our website me-us-u.org for more information.
(Theme music picks up until it fades out)
