Ainsley Segedy: I have been raised by a mantra.
Connie Segedy: It will all be okay.
Widmung by Robert Schumann is softly played on the piano
Ainsley Segedy: There is so much in the world that I just don’t understand, but there’s not one question in my mind as to how I became a musician. My parents would sing to me. My grandfather would play the accordion. I sang along with church hymns at three years old. Apparently even an infant can fall in love because I never looked back and never questioned that my driving purpose in life was based on notes on a staff. It always just felt right…until it didn’t. It did not hit me right away: the pain. I simply got tired. I fell asleep. And when presented with loss, you grieve.
Duo for Flute and Piano by Aaron Copland is softly played on the flute
I can do it. There’s no one stopping me, and I’m not failing. I’m actually quite successful. The pride I used to have about my achievements made me feel guilty. I was a liar. No, I was not hacking the Canvas grade book and giving myself a perfect score on the written theory midterm. But I was lying to everyone who was not watching close enough to see me deteriorate bit by bit for something I supposedly loved. But I am doing it. I am successful. But is it actually going to be okay?
But I should be able to do this. This is literally what I have worked for since forever. There was no doubt in anyone else’s mind that I could. I was given the scholarships. I was accepted into a top tier program. Money was on the line. So I guess I’ll just blame everyone who got me to this point, and nothing makes any sense anyway. So what the hell?!
A vocal duet of Balcony Scene from West Side Story is sung then hummed underneath the narration
If I had kept every pro and con sheet I had written in November of my freshman year, there would be substantial proof to say that I was probably certifiably insane. What seemed like an academic or future career choice was actually an identity crisis. At this time, within the last six months, I had experienced the most devastating loss in my life when my Grandaddy passed. He was my absolute biggest fan in the world. I had also fallen in love with a man whose passion in life, I thought, mirrored my own through song. Because of my doubt, I thought I was going to lose it all, even the love of someone who’s gone. Dear God, it’s Ainsley. I really need your help, and I really just need to know. Will I still be loved? Will I still be loved?
You are my Sunshine is sung by someone over the telephone
I’ve come to the conclusion that the most difficult part of having a dream is not how it changes over time, but how it changes you. Dreams can be consuming. We experience it every night where we close our eyes. When there is nothing else to focus on but ambition, the world can seem positively devastating. I’m still learning the lessons provided from the experience of giving up my music major. I still sing, even in school ensembles, but now I feel joy and pride behind my voice again. I feel loved for the person I am and not for something I can provide. That love was always there. I just couldn’t see the truth past my perceptions. And sometimes I still feel like I have nothing figured out, but who does? All I know is that it will all be okay.
I would like thank Connie Segedy for providing vocal audio and for performing You are my Sunshine, composed by Jimmy Davis and Charles Mitchell. Thank you Madeline Widnick for performing Widmung, composed by Robert Schumann on the piano. Thank you McKenna Mowry for performing Duo for Flute and Piano, composed by Aaron Copland on the flute. Thank you Robert Speece for accompanying me in a vocal duet of Balcony Scene from West Side Story, composed by Leonard Bernstein.